Being a mum is both absolutely rewarding and utterly terrifying at the same time, when they are small you can generally scoop them up, cover them with kisses and put a plaster over the scuffed knee or an ouchy finger, but as they grow and become independent, discover their own tastes, likes, dislikes & grow up it becomes more and more difficult to do this .. this at times is the hardest part of being a mum.
Phoebe is my oldest child & only daughter .. sweet 16, a beautiful spirited, clever, funny & very independent young lady … a girl who definitely knows her own mind … a girl who can tell you exactly what career she would like to go into, a girl who is the polar opposite of a 16 year old me .. I am one very proud mum
Currently though the urge to scoop her up and make everything better is very much what I want to do .. but unfortunately I am unable to make things better by doing that … Phoebe is anorexic with severe orthoexia a “relation” to anorexia which is all about eating “clean foods” basically reducing food groups & what you eat slowly but surely, she was admitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago and spent a week there on bed rest, she is now home but still resting.
How it came to this is beyond me .. I am still struggling to come to terms with it and asking myself the same questions over and over, how did I not notice, how can I help her recover, how can I make sure this never (and I mean never) happens to her again …. why has this happened, what occurred to make this horrible illness get into my daughters head and take control .. and of course am I a good mum, have I let her down?
Phoebe is very much into her fitness, she is studying GCSE PE & is a very well respected member of our local gym, she is also studying and interested in nutrition, so understands what she needs to eat to remain healthy & fit, which is one of the reasons why I don’t understand how this has happened. Everything was or seemed fine and normal over Christmas … Phoebe works as a waitress and worked hard over the festive period .. that’s Phoebe though 110% in everything she does. She went back to school to start her GCSE MOCK’s and we also had our trip to London over the following weekend, all seemed well. Then at the beginning of February she got a virus and was for the first time in many years off school ill, she was utterly exhausted that week and maybe that’s when the eating disorder took hold … maybe it had been there slowly growing, but I hadn’t seen .. I would certainly say that through my eyes this is when the changes happened … Phoebe always fit, strong & toned started looking thinner, her eyes looked sunken into her head, she had very little energy, she started to look gaunt … but she kept going, one evening in the February half term she came to me and said she hated feeling so tired and so rubbish .. I said we’d book a doctors appointment and maybe get her bloods checked just in case as I was concerned about her weight loss, I remember it so well that evening she took off her t-shirt in front of me I think to show me her new sports bra … and I can recall feeling shock & utter panic as I saw the extent of her weight loss, her back usually so toned and strong was instead showing every bone, she looked so tiny, so fragile .. she was disappearing before my eyes … why had I not noticed how bad it had gotten until now?
Due to her waitressing shifts Phoebe often ate her main meal at about 9pm, so I didnt see that she was cutting back on not only her evening meal, but also cutting back on what she ate during the day (Phoebe loves baking & cooking and would often cook her own meals in the evening) … certainly my failing as mum was that I let meal times together slide letting them eat on the sofa and sometimes in their bedrooms! This has now stopped and we eat together in the evenings.
After seeing the doctor Phoebe was referred to CAMHS for counselling, on that first Thursday seeing the counselor, both of us thinking it would just an hours chat it came as a massive shock that she was admitted to hospital and put on complete bed rest that afternoon. I was being completely naive thinking that I could just say to her to eat more and encourage her to do so & that it would all be OK .. totally off the mark there! Even though it was literally only two weeks ago that Phoebe was admitted to hospital looking back I see that it was a kick up the arse I needed … she has been put on an eating plan which will slowly re-introduce her body to food and help her gain the weight she so desperately needs to gain & will continue with the counselling …
I am well aware that this is not a quick fix of a plaster, that this is a long and often difficult road, that she will shout & probably (for a short while) hate me for trying to encourage her to maybe eat that extra mouthful of food, for getting her outside her comfort zone .. that some days will be good and others bad .. that we will both laugh and cry a lot … but, and I believe this from the pit of my stomach, I believe that Phoebe will come out of this a stronger more determined young lady .. that she will beat this horrible vile illness and never look back .. she will use it to her advantage, becoming a more knowledgeable & sympathetic young lady … and I will be proudest of all .. she is my girl .. I love her from the bottom of my heart …
Niki xx
** Phoebe read through this post and is happy for me to publish it **
Oh Niki I feel your pain. At the age of 17 my daughter developed anorexia. She was admitted as an in patient and was in hospital for 7 months. It’s a long slow road recovery, and you need to prepare yourself for that. But there are a few things I learned that if you’ll permit me I’d like to share with you.
Firstly, knowledge is power. Learn as much as you can about the illness. From reputable sources obviously, read everything you can. While Orthorexia is a relatively new diagnosis a lot of the principles are the same.
Secondly, it’s not your fault. As mums we look for a million reasons as to why this happened and if we could have done things differently, noticed things earlier, but it sounds like your little girl is text book. Just like mine was too. High achieving, perfectionist with a caring nature. Sadly she will have developed this illness at some point in her life no matter what you think you may have been able to do to prevent it.
Thirdly, one of the biggest lessons I learned was to keep my mouth shut. There were so many times that I wanted to scream and shout at her, cry in front of her just to eat something. But the last thing she needed on top of struggling with a mental illness was guilt as well. I had to work so very hard to keep it all in. Her consultant told us to let him be bad cop and our job was to make home a safe and secure place to be, even a happy place when she had strength to smile. Which will mean some days letting things go. The therapy, th medication, these will slowly get you back to having your beautiful confident girl back.
It’s an illness with two steps forward, 10steps back. (Well it feels like that) and it’s an illness that affects the whole family. So make sur you look after yourself too in all of this. There were times when I felt like I had to be strong and carry everyone, because some days I did.
So if you’ve any questions you’d like to ask me please feel free, I’ll do my best to answer them.
But in th meantime my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
With love
Ange. X
Hi Ange
Thank you so much for replying to me .. I am going take your advice and research / learn all I can … I hope your daughter is well now and that this is a distant memory for you all … I’m looking forward to the day when it is just that for us too. I do know what you mean when you say 2 steps forward and 10 back .. but we will get there .. she has lots of support from all of her family and friends .. and like I said the real Phoebe is strong and determined & I know she is fighting to get back .. I will (if Phoebe is happy for me to) do a follow up post sometime to let everyone know how she is doing .. but for now thank you once again for your kind and encouraging words.
Niki xx
My daughter is doing very well now, she’s 28 and studying for a peadiatric nursing degree (uni was put on hold when she was really ill) and she’s engaged. There are still issues, we don’t have any family photos, she hates seeing herself still. And my job this week is to do a reckie of bridal shops. I need to prepare them for her coming. Don’t talk about sizes. Cover some of the mirrors up etc. It’s not going to be easy. But she’s a lot better than what she was so I’m truly grateful for that. And her relationship with food is so much better. There was a time I thought we’d never be able to go out to dinner as a family, food was always our celebration, and for a while it wasn’t. Now it is again and it’s lovely. Sending my love to you, phoebe and the rest of the family. Take care of yourself too. Ange xxx